The Bradys Go To Showtime
by Alicegirl8
Summary: The Brady Bunch is wild. Greg is a pot head, Marcia is loose, Cindy is troubled. Carol is preoccupied with "art", Mike is losing his mind. But Peter is in medical school so that's good. Suggested drug use and sexual content. Not recommended for young


_**FADE IN:**_

_**CARD: 1977 **_

_**MUSIC UP: "MUSIC MAN" by HEART**_

_**INT: THE BRADY'S LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON **_

_**MARCIA is making out on the sofa with DOUG, the big man on campus. **_

DOUG

Oh, Marcia, you are so hot.

MARCIA

I know. Did you bring a condom?

DOUG

No.

MARCIA

Okay.

_**They go back to making out. **_

_**GREG stumbles in the door. He HOLLERS out the front door to someone.**_

GREG

Thanks, David!

_**Greg wobbles in, his eyes half closed and red rimmed. **_

GREG

Hey, there my groovy bitch of a sister. What's happenin?

MARCIA

Oh, Greg, go dry up will ya? I am busy.

GREG

(laughing through words)

Doug, you are a daring man. Going where many ... many ... many men have been before.

MARCIA

Honestly, Greg. Shut the hell up. Don't you have some "groovy" grass to smoke?

Greg scowls at Marcia. Just then JAN walks in. She spots Marcia pulling up her shirt straps.

JAN

Oh my God, Marcia. There are about thirteen rooms in this house? You had to pick the very public living room to do your scummy boyfriend in?

MARCIA

I wouldn't expect YOU to understand, little sister.

(To Doug, whispering)

She's a lesbain.

JAN

Hey, Doug.

(whispers like Marcia)

She's a slut.

MARCIA

Dougy knows I changed, don't you Dougy baby?

DOUG

I think I should go now.

MARCIA

(pouty)

Oh, pooh! You don't have to leave. I am barely warmed up, baby.

DOUG

No, really Marcia. I have to get home. I will see you tomorrow okay?

MARCIA

Okay, my big man on campus.

(giggles)

DOUG

(looks at Marcia weird)

O - o - Okay. Bye, now.

_**Doug grabs his things and leaves.**_

MARCIA

Well, that was real nice, guys.

GREG

Why are you wiggin out sis? You have a date with Charlie in two hours. Can't you put it on slow simmer until then?

MARCIA

Ugh, that's not the point. You two are assholes!

_**Marcia flips her hair and walks upstairs.**_

_**INT: THE GIRLS ROOM BRADY HOUSE - AFTERNOON **_

_**Cindy is sitting on the floor listening to "THE AIR THAT I BREATHE" by the Hollies, while doodling in a notebook. She is dressed in bellbottoms and a skimpy disco style top, with platform sandals. Her hair is long and folded down behind her ears. She is wearing a lot of makeup and SINGING along.**_

MARCIA

Hey, Cind.

CINDY

(depressed)

Hi, Marcia.

MARCIA

What's wrong, Cindy?

CINDY

Well, I -

MARCIA

(interupts)

I am so pissed at Greg and Jan. They just walked right in without even any thought to me and Doug.

_**Cindy looks down and starts doodling again.**_

MARCIA

Can you believe Jan called me a slut right in front of me?

CINDY

Mmm-hmm.

MARCIA

I mean, how rude is that? Ugh, anyway, sweetie. I have a date in a couple of hours with Charlie. Do you need the bathroom?

CINDY

(not looking up)

Nope.

MARCIA

Great.

(kisses her top of her head)

See ya!

_**Marcia goes into the bathroom. Cindy falls back on her back on the bed, she rolls over hugging a teddy bear while the tears pour out of her eyes.**_

_**INT: THE BRADY'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING **_

_**MIKE walks in as Marcia barrels past him nearly knocking all his blueprints out of his hands.**_

MARCIA

Sorry, Dad. Gotta run! Love ya!

_**Marcia closes the door behind her.**_

MIKE

(to himself)

That girl needs to slow down.

ALICE

You said a mouthful!

_**Mike looks up and sees ALICE standing in near the dining room table cleaning. **_

MIKE

What's that Alice?

ALICE

Mr. Brady, I think there is something you need to know.

_**EXT: THE BRADY'S GARAGE - EVENING **_

_**Alice pulls up a garbage bag, and opens it. **_

ALICE

I assume we just look in and not actually reach in and touch anything.

MIKE

Why's that Alice?

ALICE

Take a look.

_**Mike looks inside with a flashlight he grabs from the shelf in the garage. He looks shocked. Then shakes his head.**_

MIKE

Alice, are those what I think they are?

ALICE

I should say so. They aren't balloons for a birthday party.

MIKE

Oh my God. How do you know they are Marcia's?

ALICE

Because she's the only one that is home alone long enough to have this much sex. She doesn't go to college, just sleeps with guys that do. I have found sex toys in her dresser drawers and she has sex theme underwear. A couple of her bras have been found shoved into seat cushions.

MIKE

Well, maybe I outta have a talk with her.

ALICE

No, please Mr. Brady. Don't tell her I talked with you. She is awful to me when I tell you things.

MIKE

No, Alice, nothing doing. I am going to talk with her, but I won't tell her you told me.

ALICE

(worried)

Okay, Mr. Brady. If you say so.

MIKE

Where is Carol? Shouldn't she have been home by now from her art class?

ALICE

I don't have the foggiest, Mr. Brady. She's been late every week for three weeks. I hope she isn't having too much trouble with her class.

_**INT: THE BRADY'S CAR - EVENING **_

_**CAROL fixes her hair in the mirror and touches up her lipstick. She straightens up her blouse and takes a deep breath and pauses closing her eyes. Then opens them and walks out of the car. She walks into the house.**_

_**INT: THE BRADY'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING **_

_**Carol puts on happy grin.**_

CAROL

Hello? I am home. Where is everybody?

_**EXT: THE BRADY'S GARAGE - EVENING **_

MIKE

Shoot. That's Carol. No mention of Marcia to her, okay? I want to tell her when the time is right. Okay?

ALICE

Until the time is right. Mums the word on my end, Mr. Brady.

MIKE

I know I can always count on you Alice.

_**Mike walks inside. With Alice trailing behind him.**_

MIKE

Hi, honey! How was your class?

CAROL

It was so exciting Mike. I learned all kinds of new techniques. Where are the kids?

MIKE

Oh, they're around here somewhere. So, where is all this art you are creating. I am just dying to see some of your work.

CAROL

Sure, sure you are. Um, well, it's in the inventing process, Mike. We will have stuff actually made in about four weeks.

MIKE

Wow. Four weeks, before you can actually make something?

CAROL

Approximately.

MIKE

That's interesting.

CAROL

Maybe longer. So, Alice, do you need any help in the kitchen?

_**Mike stands there a minute contemplating. Then shakes his head and moves to the bottom of the stairs.**_

MIKE

Bobby! Cindy! Jan! Greg! Supper time.

_**BOBBY is the first downstairs. He is wearing bellbottoms and a brown leather vest with fringes with a big peace sign on his back. His hair is shoulder length and he strolls down the stairs with a poster in his hand.**_

BOBBY

Hey, pop! Check this out! I made a new slogan poster for Jimmy.

MIKE

Bobby, the election is over, son. He won.

BOBBY

Well, yeah, Dad. I know. But I only have three more years left before the next election.

MIKE

Bobby, I'm real proud of you.

BOBBY

Ya are, pop?

MIKE

Yeah, you aren't procrastinating. That is admirable.

BOBBY

Thanks Pop!

MIKE

Go on and sit down for supper okay?

BOBBY

You got it pop!

_**Bobby walks towards table, when Mike stops him.**_

MIKE

And Bobby?

BOBBY

Yeah, pop?

MIKE

Stop calling me Pop will ya, son?

BOBBY

Okay... Dad.

MIKE

That's better.

_**Bobby goes to table and Mike SHAKES his head.**_

MIKE

Cindy, Jan, Greg? You up there, guys?

GREG (COMING DOWN)

(stoned)

I'm here Dad.

MIKE

Greg, are your allergies still bothering you?

GREG

Yeah. Allergies.

(laughing)

MIKE

Greg, allergies are no laughing matter.

_**Greg hears this and busts out even harder.**_

GREG

Yeah, good one Dad. I'm starvin!

_**Greg sits down at the table as Jan comes down the stairs. She is wearing a t-shirt that says, "I AM WOMAN" on it. **_

JAN

Hi, Daddy.

MIKE

Hi princess. Where is your sister?

JAN

Marcia? Probably out banging...

MIKE

No. No. I mean Cindy. Where is she?

JAN

Oh, in our room sulking.

MIKE

Cindy! Come on down here and eat now.

_**Cindy arrives at the top of the stairs. **_

CINDY

I'm not very hungry Dad.

MIKE

What's wrong? Is it your throat?

CINDY

No, I am just kinda tired. Can I skip dinner tonight?

MIKE

Skip dinner? Alice has made a six pound meatloaf, darling. Are you sure you wanna miss out?

Carol walks in.

CAROL

Cindy, is everything alright, dear?

CINDY

Oh yeah. Just tired mom. I'm gonna hit the sack early tonight.

CAROL

Okay, sweetheart. Get some rest.

MIKE

Carol, we should talk to her.

CAROL

She's fine, Mike. Come on, I am starving.

(To Alice)

Alice, this meatloaf looks fabulous!

_**Mike pauses hestitating by the staircase looking up where Cindy just was. Then walks over to join the others for dinner.**_

_**INT: THE GIRLS ROOM BRADY HOUSE - EVENING **_

_**Cindy is on the Mickey Mouse phone in the girls room.**_

CINDY

Oh, they're all being assholes, Peter.

(pause)

Please come home, I miss you.

(pause)

I know. Medical school is very important.

(pause)

Okay, Peter. If you say so.

(pause)

I love you too.

(pause)

Night.

_**Cindy hangs up the phone. Then climbs in bed with her composition books and begins writing.**_

_**INT: THE KITCHEN - MORNING **_

_**Alice finishes up the eggs, and walks to the edge of the kitchen hollering.**_

ALICE

Kids, Mr. And Mrs. Brady, breakfast is ready! Come and get it.

_**Mrs. And Mr. Brady enter first.**_

CAROL

Mmm - smells yummy Alice.

ALICE

You know me Carol, always cookin.

CAROL

It's wonderful Alice.

MIKE

I don't know what's keeping the kids.

_**Cindy walks in along with Bobby. Bobby won't shut up about Jimmy Carter.**_

BOBBY

Yeah, so Jimmy raised the taxes Cindy and it's going to help all these unfortunate people who are in need.

CINDY

Great, Bobby.

_**Cindy forces a smile. They sit down to eat. Bobby digs in. Cindy simply picks at her food. And drinks her orange juice.**_

MIKE

You alright, Cindy sweetheart?

CINDY

Yeah Dad.

ALICE

Oh, Cindy. Someone called for you earlier. His name is Tim Peters.

_**Cindy's eyes bug out with excitement. **_

CINDY

HE DID?

ALICE

Yeah. He said, he wanted to take you on a retreat.

MIKE AND CAROL (UNISON)

WHAT!

CINDY

Oh, relax, guys. He is with a religous group. He talked about maybe going. He would be leaving tonight. Gosh, that gives me very little chance of getting ready. I better run.

MIKE

Hold it!

CINDY

What?

_**Marcia and Jan and Greg all walk in. Greg has sunglasses on and is barely awake. Cindy ignores her siblings.**_

MIKE

You are not going on any retreat with some boy we have never met.

CINDY

Why!

CAROL

You're father's right, Cindy.

MIKE

We don't approve of you just taking off and going away for a weekend. You are only 17 years old, Cindy.

CINDY

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

CAROL

You're father's right, Cindy.

CINDY

That is totally not fair. Here is my chance of finding out what life is really about. What really makes sense in life, and you say I can't even go. To learn about God and the world. You two are so unfair.

CAROL

Now, Cindy, we have rules in this house. Your siblings follow the same rules.

CINDY

Bull! You let them run wild!

_**Marcia and Jan and Greg all look at each other. Greg smirks, while Marcia and Jan look shocked.**_

MIKE

Cindy, now the discussion is closed. I am your father, and you will follow my rules for living under our roof.

CAROL

You're father's right.

CINDY

Oh, stop that, mother! Mike Brady, you are NOT my father! This whole life is such a charade! I wish I wasn't a Brady!

(Tears well up in her eyes)

You two are so unfair. Marcia can do whatever she wants. Jan can too. Why do you hate me so much? I just want to ...

MIKE

Want to what? What do you want, Cindy?

CINDY

Nevermind. You can all go to hell.

_**Cindy runs off, and upstairs.**_

MARCIA

Well. THAT was interesting.

JAN

Shut up, Marcia!

MARCIA

Jan!

_**Greg is snickering.**_

MIKE

Alright, alright, that's enough. Don't you all have jobs to get to? Jan you have college. Now get going.

MARCIA

Dad! I haven't even gotten to eat yet.

GREG

Yeah, Dad, I have to eat something. I am starving.

MIKE

Fine. Eat, and then get going.

_**Mike walks out of the room not facing anyone. Carol follows him.**_

_**INT: THE DEN - MORNING **_

_**Carol knocks on the closed door of the Den.**_

CAROL

Mike? Can I come in?

MIKE

Sure.

Mike wipes his eyes quickly.

Carol walks in and consoles her husband.

CAROL

Mike, you know they were just words. She's going through a phase. She will be your loving daughter again before you know it.

MIKE

Oh heck, I know that.

(sniffs)

I better get going honey. I am going to be really late.

_**Mike kisses Carols head, and before she can argue he is out the door.**_

_**INT: KITCHEN - MORNING **_

_**Alice is cleaning the pots and pans as the kids talk.**_

MARCIA

I think Cindy has really turned into a spoiled little brat.

JAN

Oh, shut up, Marcia. You don't even know what you are talking about.

GREG

Pass the pancakes.

_**Marcia passes them while keeping focused on Jan. Greg takes about 7 pancakes off the plate onto his own.**_

MARCIA

Oh and you do?

JAN

No, but I am not pretending I know everything. And you couldn't see a problem anyway if it were right under your nose.

GREG

Like her little weight problem?

(laughs)

MARCIA

EXCUSE ME, GREG! What is that supposed to mean!

GREG

I saw you in the bathroom fighting to get your pants on this morning. Piggin out a bit are ya?

MARCIA

No, Greg. There is a thing called "shrinking." By the way, Alice, could you please hand wash my polyester? They have been shrinking on me.

ALICE

I always do Marcia.

MARCIA

(confused)

Oh, well. Then hang dry them instead of machine?

ALICE

Yep. Do that too.

MARCIA

Hmm.

GREG

Face it, Miss Piggy. You are gettin fat.

MARCIA

Oh stick it where the sun don't shine, Gregory!

ALICE

That's enough. You three need to get moving.

_**They all get up - Greg grabbing a couple of rolls on his way out. They all say "bye" to Alice. Alice contemplates Marcia's predicament.**_

_**EXT HIGH SCHOOL - AFTERNOON **_

_**Cindy is walking by herself carrying her books and sulking. TIM PETERS runs up to her.**_

TIM

Hey, Cindy! Wait up!

CINDY

Oh, hi Tim.

TIM

What's wrong?

CINDY

My parents forbid me to go on the retreat with you.

TIM

Yeah, I kind of figured they would. But what do you care what they say? You are seventeen years old, aren't you? Old enough to make your own decisions. My buddy's van is right around back. We can hop in taking nothing but the clothes on our backs. It would be so liberating. We could just be ... free.

CINDY

Well, I don't know.

TIM

Unless you want to live by the standards of those who want to mold you into their way of thinking and their way of living. I think we are all going to end up just clones of our parents. They control every move - every thought we have. They're brainwashing us, Cindy. Until we make them stop by not allowing them to, then we will end up just like them.

CINDY

You're totally right, Tim. That was the most right-on thing I have ever heard anyone say.

(after a beat)

Okay, you got it. Let's go.

_**Tim grabs Cindy's hand and they run behind the building to the rear parking lot and hop in the van and drive off.**_


End file.
